11.27.01
Where you been since last December?
Another letter I'll never send:
I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. I'm nervous about Christmas break because we might come back and not feel the same. I'm not sure if I'm pushing you away because I'm scared of getting hurt, or because I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm too concerned with what other people think. I don't want to be serious with you - I just want you there. But not all of the time. I don't care about labels, but sometimes I think they provide a sense of security. I'm not intimidated by Tasha. But sometimes I think you might jump at the chance of a better offer.
This is what I've been trying to tell you, Zach - I don't feel worthy of love. I'm scared of how I feel about you - how easy it is to open up to you. I don't want you to rock my world and then at the end of the day think of me as just another girl you once had.
I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm not good at this shit. I doubt myself. I feel like no one understands. And all you had to say was, "Relax," and I did. Maybe what I'm looking for is some reassurance from you that you're not going to walk away. That you're not going to break my heart. Please. Don't break my heart.
This letter writing comes back easier than I thought it would. I don't love a lot - but I love for a long time. The thing with giving someone your heart is you don't always know if they want it. And if you hold it out in your hands and they look at it, then look at you, look you in the eyes and say, "don't give me that," what do you do then? Put it back in your chest bruised and broken, and turn around trying not to cry.
Or they do take it. Then what do you do? What if they're careless and throw it around, bruise and maybe even break it. Hearts are nothing to be thrown around, they're much too fragile for that sort-of things. But once someone has your heart, how can you get it back?
You asked me how much I trusted you. And with most things - with typical, honourable things, I would trust you a lot. As much if not more than most people. And I think even if you asked me for my heart, told me all the right things to makes me smile and want you. . . I might even give it to you. And the fact that I would think about giving you my heart is what scares me most of all, because I don't even know if you want it.
wunderwuman at