11.09.01
Was that the face that launched a thousand ships?
Last night I met the girls at the pub for supper. And immediately knew that was the lst place on earth that I wanted to be. I choked down supper, stayed for an hour, bought Gretchen a drink and said I had to leave because of all the studying that loomed ahead of me.
So I left. And tried not to break into tears in the elevator. I got up to my room and sat on my bed and cried, and cried. I don't know where it all came from, but it just came out. I haven't done tat in a while. Then I wrapped myself into my new jacket, decorated it with a pretty stripped scarf and bright yellow mittens and started walking. And kept crying. I walked for an hour, all around this little city.
Eventually I came to Ann's house. So I walked up the steps and rang her doorbell. She smiled a smile of suprise when she saw me and gave me a hug, asked me if I wanted to go out with her. I sat on her bed, and she asked me if I had talked to Gretchen, and I shook my head, and started crying again. We talked for a while, she told me that it wasn't all my fault, and to tell her, but not to let this eat me up. And then she convinced me to come out for a glass of beer and some wings with her and a few of her friends.
So we went to the Oasis, a scuzzy, danky hole underneath all the other buildings on Spring Garden Road. It took my mind off my problems, however self-inflicted they may be. I stayed for a couple hours, then gave her a hug, and said, "Thank you for convincing me to come. It made me feel better."
A boy walked me home, and I listened to him talk about his glorious football days, his gloriour swimming days, his skill his everything, and I smiled and made comments at the appropriate places and wished he had let me walk home along. I said goodnight, and thanked him for making sure I got home safe. And then I saw Zach.
We smiled at each other, he asked if I was just geting back from the pub. And then he asked if everyone hated me. I said, I don't know, I didn't tell her yet, but I'm going to. Turns out she probably already knows, I said I'm going to tell her anyway, I feel like I should. I said, "do you care?" he said, "no, I don't think she will either." And we talked for a bit, and I told him to stop by if he was up on my floor later, and he smiled and said alright.
I wanted him to come by after he was finished work. I tried to stay awake until two, but I closed my eyes around one or so. He's nice. And cute. *sigh*
These rugby girls, I don't know about them. With them I'm a certian person, and if I'm not being that person, they don't care to know who I am. Paula said at one point, "I was ready to kill you the other day, Kaitlyn," I asked why, and it was because when one of the girls asked what was said at the meeting I said oh nothing really, but our bags aren't coming in until December. Amanda didn't hesitate to pipe in that when she was asked about the meeting, it resulted in a twenty minute conversation. I just, I feel like I can't win. Like I'm never quite good enough, but if I try really hard, they'll accept me about half of the time. Replay of junior high school. I don't need that.
Mom always says to esatblish who is a negative force in your life. Right now, they're all very negative. What self-respecting women wants that in her life?
I don't know if I qualify as self-respecting, but at least I have the sense to recoginize that I can control my emotions, and that I don't need that influence right now.
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