09.30.01
You are all you have
Today I awoke early, to a cold room under heavy blankets. My favourite way to wake up. And I got a shower and ate some rice cakes for breakfast and packed my bag for our team's day-trip to Antigonish.
On the bus there we mostly just chatted and read and slept. And then we played a great game and won, 12 - 0.
And then Mom and Dad took me to Subway and fed me, then dropped me off at the field. I settled down on the bleachers to read Plato when I heard my name. And it was Jimmy.
*sigh* The blast from the past.
He stood there, in his aviator shades, big hair, long sideburns, NA t-shirt that is finally starting to get some holes in it (I've often wondered how that shirt has lasted so long).
We chatted, as he ran his finger smoothly up against the inside of my thigh. And I shifted my position and pretended I hadn't noticed. He asked if I hung out with Geoff a lot, I said I see him around and we chat, though we don't really hang out.
"I'm suprised you two aren't together."
"He's not really my type."
"He was on prom night, though."
Strange eh?
So we talked for a while, I said hi to some other boys I knew in highschool, and climbed back on the bus. We went to the pub to have a beer, and went to McDonald's, and headed off back into our city of lights, dispair and happiness.
We sang rugby songs with the boys, made the rookies introduce themselves to us and laughed and played games. As things settled down, I sat beside one rookie, and we chatted for a while. He's 19. From Barrie. Was scouted for football but didn't like the feeling it had here, the exculisiveness, and decided he might play next year, but for now, he needed to concentrate on other things(Bestill my heart, a boy who doesn't want football bunnies after him).
And it left me feeling happy and somehow sad. Because in all these people, in finally feeling like I have the upper hand with my ex-boyfriend, in him bringing up things that happened three years ago that must still bother him, in flirting with rugby boys, in catching another one on the team glancing at me after he kissed me behind his girlfriend's back at last weekend's party, at avoiding and then talking to Craig. After all these things, after the support Amanda and Gretchen gave me about Jimmy being a dink, sometimes it feels like I'm still alone.
I'm not sad, I'm not bitter or nostalgic. I'm just wondering when. . . I don't want to say it. I'm wondering who. . . and I wish I wasn't. But sometimes, it's hard to ignore the fact that at the last moment before you sleep and the first moment after you wake, you are all you have.
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