07.09.01
I'm not feeling dizzy from these circles we're running in
Liam told me yesterday that the past three or four nights I've woken him up by talking loudly in my sleep. He said he couldn't remember what I had said, but that I was almost yelling.
It didn't suprise me, really, because of the strange dreams I've been having. I don't feel confused about anything right now, but somewhere deep inside there's something my mind is trying to process, figure out, and it's coming through in these somewhat haunted dreams.
When it comes to the boy scene, I feel like saying I don't know what I want. That's not true. I do know what I want, I just don't know who I want it to be with. I don't feel bad about this weekend, and don't regret what happened. But the feelings I felt these last couple of weeks have gone and I'm left feeling little for a boy who I thought could have been so much more.
I think I have this silly little notion of how I'm supposed to feel about a boy, which feelings hold the promise of love. If I don't feel that way about whatever boy I happen to be feeling, I convince myself that I do. And I say everytime that this boy is different, I've never felt this way before. Not since I loved him. And everytime, after my fleeting feelings have faded, I realize that this boy is no different than any of the other ones.
Hearts grow calloused, walls are put up, we lose out innocence and it gets so hard to let people in, to trust the good in what you see. I don't know if this is guilt or pleasure right now. k.
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