05.30.01
Just another letter I'll never send
Dear Christian,
I'm not going to beg you to see what I am, or what we could be. I'm not going to be sad that we're not together, and probably won't be. You give me something to think about, someone to imagine kissing. I think we could be good, but that could be my disillusionment, because I'm easily disillusioned when boys come into my life.
I don't have much to say to you. I can't read the signs you send me, though that's possibly because you don't send me any signs. Except our legs touching everytime we sit beside one another. Except you telling me that you want to get on me. But you know (do you?) that I want more than that. I look at you and half of the time you're already looking at me. Damn I wish you didn't have a girlfriend. At least one that you didn't like so much. Even if we were something more than what we are now, I know how boys are, and I know how it feels to be right with someone, and I know you'd probably go back to her in the fall. If she'd take you. And if she wouldn't you might regret what we did, and resent me for doing it.
This is the way things are, and I know that things are always the way they are for a reason. I don't think you're someone I'm meant to fall in love with, but I can see you as someone I'm meant to be with at least for a little while. I find it a little hard to turn away and ignore you because I'm confortable around you. How many people am I confortable around right off the bat? No one that I can think of. You make me feel like there's something more to you, and the promise of something more in a person always interests me. I don't know that I could connect with you on that much of a deeper level, but sometimes I get scared I'll never find anyone perfect for me and I'm perfect for them at the time that we meet. While what I've had didn't last and hurt like hell ending, for a while it was oh-so-sweet. I pretend I don't care, but I'd love something like that again.
So tonight we will get high, and we will maybe watch a movie together. And I wish that you would sit beside me on the couch and touch my leg with your hand and send electricity through my body. Realistically, I can't see that happening. k.
wunderwuman at