02.12.07/2
You know what it takes to set me free
I had a really bad case of the mean reds today. It felt like everything exploded on me and all I could do was hold my head in my hands and cry. Leila is teething horribly, the house keeps getting messy, the laundry is never done, we need to paint and finish the tail ends of the basement and start to get rid of our clutter (did I mention we are moving?).
Steve and I were in the middle of having sex and she woke up yelling. And kept yelling through lunch, at Rona, back home, on her sled at the park. We tried to pick up where we left off once she went down for another nap, but ended up getting into a fight about who does what and who cleans up after whom. I sobbed about the laundry and the vacuuming and making lunch for tomorrow at ten at night and getting up at five and dear Lord, I just need a break. We fought about who needs a break more, about who is more tired, about all the stupid things. And then we fucked each others brains out. And the mean reds left.
Kids are such hard work sometimes. And sometimes, I really, really do not think that I have what it takes to be a parent. Sometimes, I just want to go away for two days, to have a massage and go shopping, to be alone for more than two hours while she naps. Sometimes I just do not want to be a mom. I feel wracked with guilt at those times, those days when I really do not care how Steve is feeling, or if the crying is making him as absolutely exhausted as me, I just want to shove her at him and leave. Take the dog for a walk or go to the mall, just get away.
I used to almost scorn mothers who did not take enough time for themselves until I became one. And it is hard, it is really hard. I can chalk it up to breastfeeding, but I am not sure that things will change once she is weaned. Because kids are so demanding and when you give and give and block out the fatigue behind your eyes to play games and laugh with a baby, and when you constantly plan your day, your errands, around someone elses schedule, when the only me time is in the shower or lifting weights, it leaves me feeling lost inside some days.
So where is the balance? Being a good mom and keeping the house clean. Making supper and doing laundry. And feeling charged inside. Or is that something that I am unable to have for the next however many years? Are the days that I got my eyebrows waxed and wandered around the mall or go to a coffee shop with a friend and not worry because we stayed longer than expected gone? Is it going to be 18 years before I can do those things again without wondering how Leila is doing or if she is being cranky? Or does that worry ever go away? Does the worrying about teeth and a bumped head just get replaced by bigger and more dangerous threats? Will I ever have another carefree day in my life or did the parenthood contract have something in the small print that I missed?
wunderwuman at 10:26 p.m.