01.12.06
Spilt her coffee, broke her shoelace
The other day, I made a banana loaf but when I took it out of the oven and left it on the counter, it collapsed because it was not cooked the whole way through. Last night we made brown beans in the slow cooker to have for lunch today, except that when I copied the recipe, I forgot to write how much water to add with them and we woke up to scorched burned beans. After some emergency molasses and water adding, they were edible and definitely do-again-able but not the best beans you have ever had. This afternoon I was going to make an apple pie because I got a pretty new red pie dish for Christmas but our white vinegar was lost in the move. Sigh. Stuff like this never used to make me so upset.
My mom is renting us a cottage at home for the month of August. Actually it is from Aug 6 until Aug 27. Steves parents have a camp that they usually go to for the first week in September, because that is his moms birthday, and I told her last time that we were there that there was a chance we would be spending some time in Nova Scotia in August and maybe we could coincide our times there so that we could spend more than a few days together. She interpreted this as my side of the family has precedence over baby visits and will see the baby more, and talked to Steve about it last night on the phone because she feels like she will never get to see her grandchild.
My mom wants us to spend two weeks at home in July and the whole month of August there. She wants me to come to Flordia in March to visit for two weeks, and if we end up spending Christmas in Kingston, she wants me and baby to come home for the week beforehand, so as not to miss the family Christmas dinner. She also wants us to spend Christmas with her in Stellarton, partly because my older brother (who did not come home this year) mentioned he did not want to miss babys first Christmas next year and would be home for sure. She wants me and baby to come visit her in Flordia next spring, too.
I got off the phone with her this morning, after talking to Steve about spending time at home this summer, and I started crying. Because I just feel like everyone is trying to pull us in all these different directions and that everyone keeps telling us how far away we are and how they will never get to see the baby (except Liam, who is delighted at how close he is). I feel so overwhelmed by it all, trying to plan when my mom should visit after the baby is born, or what we are going to do this summer because I do not even have the faintest idea of what to expect. I do not know how I am going to feel, how tired I will be, if I will want to be around anyone beside Steve and my baby. I do not know how much sleep I am going to get, let alone how to feed and change and take care of a baby when there is no one else besides us. What if I just want a day without the baby? Or worse yet, what if I do not love the baby as much as everyone says I will? What if I am too tired from the delivery and then all the feedings to really appreciate my baby?
I guess today is just one of those days. I cried this morning, cuddled with Steve until I felt better, went to the park, did the dishes and started crying all over again. Sigh. We are going to the gym soon and I hope that makes me feel a little less emotional, or at least keeps it at bay for the rest of the day. We might go look at strollers on our way home, but I think it might be better to wait until tomorrow. The way I feel right now, if we cannot find what we are looking for, I will probably end up sobbing into a pair of sleepers hiding under a change table. Heh.
wunderwuman at 2:08 p.m.