03.08.06
Jesus take the wheel
We have been looking for a church pretty much since we arrived in Kingston. We tried a few traditional services and a gospel service but nothing seemed to fit. After Christmas we started going to a Christian Fellowship church, just on the outskirts of town. It is small and personal, we go to the early service and people are getting to recognize us, they ask us about the baby and make us feel really welcome.
We are both religious, we both believe in God and heaven, but Steves beliefs seem to be a little more black and white than mine. He does not mind a gospel service about the Apocalypse, while those services bother me. Regardless, we are both on the same page when it comes to raising our family, we want these Christian beliefs and values installed in our child(ren).
I called the church at home that my parents attend (it is not the same church where I was confirmed) to see if they would baptize our baby in July even though neither of us are members. As I expected, it will be no problem, however, they want to have a little correspondence with the church where we will be going on a weekly basis, to let them know the child has been baptized and all that stuff. So I told the minister our situation, that we had been trying out different places and while we had not settled on any one place, we had been to this Christian Fellowship church a few times. It turns out that Christian Fellowship is part of the Pentecostal movement which does not believe in infant baptisms. Their theory is that once you are old enough to accept God for yourself, you are then baptized. Instead of your parents promising to raise you in a Christian life, you make the promise to God yourself. Basically it is the same idea as a confirmation in the other parts of the Protestant church.
This led me to ask myself some questions, like how much does infant baptism really mean to me, and what do I believe in my heart? Does a child really need to be baptized to go to heaven? Does a child need to be baptized before God will watch out for him/her? And while I do not believe that a child who dies who has not been baptized will not go to heaven, the fact remains that this is something important to me, and to Steve, and something that we want for our child.
So where do we go from here? Do we stay at this church that we like, even though there are some things that we do not agree with? Do we try to find another place? Is a spiritual connection more important than agreeing with every word spoken, and if it is, where do you draw the line?
One of the reasons I found it hard to relate in the gospel church we went to was because of comments made about homosexuality. While those beliefs are by no means isolated to that church, I refuse to raise my child in a place where homosexuality is deemed as something evil and wrong. I also am not a fan of the notion that only those who accept Jesus will end up in heaven. To me, spirituality is so much more than that, to narrow it down into a box sealed with the name of one man does not seem right to me.
So I looked up Pentecostal to find out what exactly the story was, and I could not find the answers to the questions I have. What about no infant baptism? What about not celebrating Advent? Where do I find more information about these things? How much do I need to know? The Pastor seems gentle and kind. We like the music (all three of us, the most kicks I get all week are on Sunday in church). How much do you need to agree with to make a church your home? How do you take the words spoken to you and make them your own? Is it ok to only listen to half of what is being said? And how can I make Steve understand that my feelings are not as concrete as his, when last time we talked about it we ended up getting into an argument that ended with him saying that he thought I needed to do some soul searching.
I think that a lot of these questions go unanswered, that part of faith is a constant quest for the resolutions to the doubts inside of you, but knowing in your heart that there is something more out there. That there is something, or someone, guiding you and watching over you and helping you make the right choices, helping you be aware of yourself, of your values. Does it matter if you think this is a Father, as tends to be the case in Christianity? What if you relate better to a spirit, or the voice of a woman? To me, I really cannot see how that matters, because faith is an individual journey, traveled by oneself, in the deepest corners of your heart and mind.
Part of me wants to talk to the Pastor, to ask him the questions I have, to ask him what happens to the children who die before they accept God on their own, or why they do not celebrate Advent, or what really makes them so different than a United or Anglican church, and to ask him how tolerant they are of others? I am torn between continuing our search for a church and staying in this place that we have found, that speaks to both of us.
For a more fluffy entry about my pregnancy, go back one, I updated last night before bed.
wunderwuman at 4:44 p.m.