11.08.03
Distance seemed right at the time, it was best
My grad ring came in Thursday. It's beautiful, gold with a touch of red. It keeps catching the light, and I see it sparkle out of the corner of my eye.
I haven't worn my high school ring for about a year and a half. I just felt too detached from that part of my life. I didn't feel like that ring reflected my accomplishments anymore. And it always made me a little sad to run into people from highschool who still wore theirs. They always seem to be the ones who weren't going anywhere. This morning, I opened my jewelry case and looked at it. I put it on my hand and it felt light and small. A couple of days ago I got caught up in my yearbooks while cleaning.
Sometimes it makes me sad, that I've lost contact with essentially everyone. That it was so, so long ago. I hear the voices in my head, the same voices I heard in highschool, but I've stopped listening to them. The little romantic screams, the cries of anguish, the insecurities. I'm not sure when, but I've learned to ignore them. I've given up any notions of love at first sight, or boys catching my breath in my throat for essays and ironing and above all, being realistic.
When does that happen, exactly? When did I change? I looked in the mirror today, and saw a twenty-two year old woman. It struck me how mature I looked.
My mom told me I was too mature for my age. It used to make me feel old, but lately, there's been this peace, and I'm not sure what it is indicitive of. It's not like things are any more or less calm then they usually are. I still am confused about what to do after I graduate, I still don't know what's going to happen with that boy, I still dream confusing dreams at night, I still want to go home everytime I get a little sad.
I guess it happens to everyone. We grow up, grow apart, and sometimes grow back together again. I have a friend who is pregnant, and one who is moving in with her boyfriend. I still buy groceries for one, and feel really removed from either of them when they tell me about their life.
I've never not had time limits, as long as I've been dating. The summer has always meant seperation, breaking up, an excuse to escape. So I wonder what I will do when I get into a relationship where that's not a factor? I've been moving every eight months for the last eight years. How am I going to learn to stay still?
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