06.26.02
One day in your life
"How are you, really? I know you said 'good' but I want details.
That's what she said.
Here's my response:
I'm up and down everyday. The sky is blue and that makes me happy. But I sleep alone and havn't talked to the boy I love in a week, and that makes me sad. And sometimes I think that talking to him would make me even more sad.
I can't decide wether to go home this weekend or not. I know what I want it to be like when I go home, and it can't be that way. I want to have a barbeque with my extended family. My aunts and uncles and cousins on my Dad's side, even though I say I don't like them. I want my mom's sister to be there with her husband and two boys. I want to watch everyone talk and laugh and the quiet judgments that always passed between them. I want to wear a cute sundress and not worry aobut a broken heart or this feeling of weakness inside of me.
I want my lungs to stop hurting, to stop coughing every morning when I wake up and coughing up phlem. I want to be able to get up in the mornings to go to the gym. I want Eva to understand why I'm sad, why it feels like this can't be over. I want my mom to be like she was before her sister died. I want you to live here, I want Jill to stop giving me the impression that she has feelings for me, I want Ann to work less so we can hang out more.
That's what I mean when I say good. That's what I want, and none of it is going to happen, so I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying to smile everyday and be happy for what I have. I'm trying not to hope he's back here in September, I'm trying not to think that my days are a little empty without him. I'm trying to be happy that he's happy and being stimulated at camp.
I'm trying not to do stupid things when I get drunk, because all I want is someone to tell me I'm beautiful. I'm just trying.
And while I don't always know that it is, most of the time it feels like enough.
wunderwuman at