06.12.02
I can feel it coming
Things are never as bad as they seem. I just got three emails wishing me a Happy Birthday. One was for my 22nd, when it's really only my 21st (eh, Duckie?) but that's alright.
Happy Birthday Duckie,I hope you find whatever you need in whatever hole you peer down, whatever salty rock you peek behind. Let disaster dukes masticate on the green grasses of hope and love. This year is the most joyous, mournful and sad year we've ever known. Life is good. Never, ever forget that tomorrow comes new dawns blister, there are new songs to be sung. Hold your head high. Sing the songs of truth, of redemption, of beauty, of love.
Look no further than your own two feet.
I love you always. I know you do, Duckie. I'm sorry you're sad, but we're both a little too melodramatic at times. And you know, we'll always both be okay, because I have you and you have me. * * * * Last night Zach spent the night. We talked, and loved and I cried and told him how confused I was. That I felt as though I shouldn't want to still be with him, after he said, "I can't be with you right now." And then we talked some more and I realized that, as always, the "rules" I've made for myself somehow keep being broken by him.
As he left today he hugged me, told me not to have any expectations for him and he wouldn't have any for me, that the only thing I should worry about is doing what I want because it makes me happy. He walked to his dad's van, he paused in front of the driver's door, turned around and ran back to the step and said, "Do you want to come to camp with me?"
I shook my head and then watched as he drove away. I want to go back to bed instead of facing a world that expects me to happy just because it's my birthday.
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