11.15.01
One day you see a strange little girl feeling blue
Last night I tried to go to sleep early. I even turned of the computer and crawled into my flannel pyjamas and inbetween cool sheets. Then I layed there on my back with my eyes open and my head spinning. And slowly tears started running down my cheeks into my ears. I cried and I cried. And I listened to James Taylor, which usually calms me down, but it didn't work.
I just cried and thought about what I may have lost. And I thought about what she said, and realized it may be true. I thought about why I want Zach. It's because he wants me. Because sometimes I feel so goddamn alone, and he's there. He puts his arms around me and I can feel the heat of his chest against my back. And he runs his fingers through my hair and askes me what I'm thinking. And maybe most important of all, when I told him I was a little upset he called me and made me talk about it. Told me he wanted to make sure I was ok.
It's been so fucking long since any boy has told me he wanted to make sure I was ok. Has told me that he cared. Has really wanted me for more than a fleeting moment. And now there's a boy who does. And I'm scared because I may have already lost people I thought I loved. And I'm not sure that he hasn't loved her all along.
I don't know what to do. There's this feeling of obligation in my head that tells me to tell him we can't see each other - to tell him that this isn't right. But my heart keeps telling me to wait just one more day, she might forgive me. To wait until after the next fuck, to wait until the next conversation. Because it feels so fucking good to be held.
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